*
[Cheering and applause]
Welcome, welcome. Welcome to the show.
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for being with us.
I hope you're all well.
We begin tonight with big news.
History was made this week.
Technically, history is made every week.
That's kind of how history works.
That's not the point.
Last night, a particular kind of history was made.
NEWSWOMAN: The St. Louis Rams made history, making Michael
Sam the first openly gay player ever chosen
in the NFL draft.
DIFFERENT NEWSWOMAN: The first openly gay player to be
drafted in the NFL.
THIRD NEWSWOMAN: An NFL team drafting an openly gay player.
Guys, guys, guys! He hasn't told his mom yet!
That is not cool!
Look, clearly this is fantastic news, but perhaps
the true sign of how far we've come is not that the news have
spent the whole week focusing on the human-interest angle.
It's that ESPN has spent their whole week showing no real
interest in him as a human being at all.
MAN: He's much more of a designated rusher than a 3-4
outside linebacker.
DIFFERENT MAN: 9 sacks came in 3 games each against Arkansas,
State Florida, and Vandy; only 2 1/2 in the 7 other games.
DIFFERENT MAN: ...the combine where he really struggled,
ran a 4.91.
Oh, sweet, sweet jargon.
Mwah.
The great mathematical equalizer because here's the
thing: at its best, the world of sports is completely amoral.
If being gay helped Drew Brees throw the ball even one yard
further, even the most homophobic Saints fan would be
imploring him to question his straight-ness midgame.
Are you sure, Drew?
Are you sure?
Are you sure, Drew?
And, look, I'm not saying there are not idiots out there.
If you typed "Michael Sam" into Twitter last night, you
could find things that would make you despair for humanity.
But this moment felt a lot bigger than all of that noise.
And in fact, for me, the most heartwarming moment was not
when Michael Sam sobbed in happiness when told he'd been
drafted before lovingly kissing his boyfriend.
It was how the ESPN commentators reacted
immediately afterwards.
We've seen this over and over again.
We saw it with Tajh Boyd.
We saw it with Dale Buchanan.
The emotion of when you realize all your hopes
and dreams have finally been validated.
For the families and for the players,
their life-long dream has come true.
They just uttered the same bland platitudes that they'd
been uttering about everyone else for 3 solid days, which
genuinely feels like a breakthrough.
So this is where we are now: in a landmark move,
the St. Louis Rams, the NFL, and ESPN proved that they are not
concerned about whether there are gay thoughts in Michael
Sam's head.
They are only concerned about whether he's willing to use
that head to smash into other people's heads.
We did it, everyone!
We have reached the mountaintop!
[Cheering and applause]
But, um...
Amazing.
But from American sports to something much less serious:
the potential war in Ukraine.
This morning, voters in eastern Ukraine held
a referendum on whether or not to move towards joining
Russia, but tensions had actually come to a head
in a very unusual way late last night.
Good evening, Europe!
Let me explain.
There is a thing called the Eurovision Song Contest.
It happens once every year, and it's simply the craziest
thing that you'll ever see.
Basically, 37 European countries sublimate thousands
of years of ethnic and religious tensions into
a series of bizarre 3-minute song-tastrophes.
Laugh all you like, but you'll all be butter-churn dancing
in the clubs next weekend.
Ch-ch-ch-churn it up.
Getting a little but rusty. Churn it up.
Last night's final actually had Russia facing off against
Ukraine, with their songs being voted on by all the
competing nations, meaning that this contest genuinely
had more international oversight than the vote
for Crimean secession.
First up--first up, it was Ukraine,
whose song featured a guy
in the background running around in a hamster wheel.
And in case that wasn't an apt enough summary of their
current political situation, listen to this.
* Tick-tock, can you hear me go tick-tock? *
Their song was called
"Tick-tock," basically the countdown to an explosion.
Now, for their part, Russia responded with a song
performed by 17-year-old folically-conjoined twins
featuring the lyrics--and I swear to you that this is true--
"Cross the line a step at a time
"Maybe there's a place, maybe there's a time
Maybe there's a day you will be mine."
That was essentially an anthem to annexation.
You know what?
You can't ask the people of eastern Ukraine to choose
between these two songs.
They're both too good!
Just go to war! Go to--
The whole continent should go to war again.
Let Europe tear itself apart yet again!
The only way to stop this would be if the Eurovision
Song Contest were somehow won by someone so spectacularly
wonderful that it erased the tensions in a heartbeat.
ANNOUNCER: Drag queen Conchita Wurst took the trophy
for Austria.
This is a very big deal.
The diva won with the tune "Rise Like a Phoenix."
CONCHITA: This night is dedicated to everyone who
believes in a future of peace and freedom.
You know who you are.
We are unity, and we are unstoppable.
That's awesome.
Is it--
is it just me, or between Conchita and Michael Sam, did
the world--did the whole world feel like it became a better
place to live in the last 24 hours?
But moving on, moving on.
Finally, this was also a big week for Vladimir Putin, who
visited Crimea for a long-overdue victory lap
in Russia's newest territory.
NEWSWOMAN: Speaking before tens of thousands in the port
city of Sevastopol, Putin hailed the incorporation
of the region into Russia as a return to the motherland.
Listen, it is Mother's Day today, and there's nothing
wrong with moving back in with your mother.
It's just it's a little weird when your mother has to send
you an unmarked militia to force you to do it.
And Putin's celebrations didn't even stop there.
Vladimir Putin will celebrate Russia's annexation of Crimea
with a specially minted silver coin.
That's his image on the front.
A map of the Crimean peninsula is on the back.
The coin weighs more than two pounds.
Two pounds!
That's not a commemorative coin, that is a commemorative
manhole cover.
Are you sure you want to be celebrating quite this
hard, Vladimir?
Because I hate to remind you, but the place you annexed
was Crimea.
Crimea depends on Ukraine right now for 25% of its gas,
for 90% of its electricity, 70% of its water.
WOMAN: Crimea only produces
about 1/10
of the energy it consumes.
Russia expects to spend between 5 to 6 billion dollars
in Crimea.
It is still going to be a burden on Russia.
So Crimea is going to be a drain on Russia's finances
and attention.
So congratulations, Putin!
In order to stick it to the West, you just adopted the
sick cat of autonomous zones.
Look.
I mean, have you seen the Crimean people?
It's basically this guy.
This is what you won, Russia-- this man and the entire
history that his face represents.
And I just want to be clear that this guy is having
a really good day.
That is what smiling looks like in Crimea.
And why shouldn't he be smiling?
After all, it's his 16th birthday.
But frankly--
[Cheering and applause]
Frankly, if Russia is going to mint a coin over their
annexation of Crimea, this coin might at least be
a little more accurate.
ANNOUNCER: Crimea used to be
a piece of Ukraine, but after Russia's
historic 2014 invasion, it's now a piece of history,
and you have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to
own a piece of history about this piece of history with the
Worthless Desolate Landmass Commemorative Coin.
Like the territory it commemorates, the coin is
symbolically impress, has absolutely no value
whatsoever, and will be a cumbersome burden
for generations to come.
On one side, the silver-plated coin features an exquisite
portrait of Vladimir Putin shirtless on a horse.
On the other side, it features Vladimir Putin shirtless
carrying a horse.
If you're wondering why there's no map of Crimea, that
is because Vladimir Putin doesn't give a fuck
about Crimea, which is what it says in Russian
around the edges of the coin.
Call now to order yours.
Although on second thought, don't call now.
Why would anyone want this?
Warning to citizens of Crimea: coin is not chocolate
on the inside.
When Russian inevitably cuts off fuel and aid shipments
during the winter months, do not try to eat coin.
OK, let's move on.
Let's turn now to the U.S. and to campaign finance.
There was yet another development on this this week.
The Federal Election Commission has voted to allow
a political action committee to accept contributions
in the digital currency bitcoin.
That's right, bitcoin.
The currency of choice for heroin dealers and assassins
is now perfectly fine for political candidates
to accept.
Are there any limits left on campaign finance anymore?
Corporations are people, people can give pretty much
whatever they like, all of which has led us to the point
where one state in the midterm elections is set to have
the most expensive Senate race ever.
And I'll give you a clue: it is the 50th state that you are
thinking of.
Well, it could end up being a 100-million-dollar race,
The battle for the United States Senate seat in Kentucky.
Kentucky?
$100 million for Kentucky?
No offense, Kentucky.
I'm a big fan of your fried chicken, and I proudly watch
your Derby each year, mostly to find names for my thrash
metal ska fusion band.
We are Dance With Fate, and we are extremely loud.
Now, you might well ask: why are Kentuckians giving so much
money to their candidates?
Well, funny story: they're not.
The two likely candidates are Senate Minority Leader Mitch
McConnell and his Democratic opponent, Alison
Lundergan Grimes.
And the vast majority of their big-donor money comes from
out of state.
So let's not pretend that Kentucky's election has
anything to do with Kentucky anymore.
Each candidate has been using some of their money to scorch
the earth with negative ads.
For Mitch McConnell, it's mainly about how much he loves
coal and how much his opponent hates it.
McCONNELL: To Barack Obama and his allies, coal country
represents a threat to their idea of green energy, whatever
that means.
So when someone says a war on coal is what the country
needs, they're declaring a war on a heck of a lot more
than coal.
It's a war on Kentucky.
We didn't ask for this, but if it's a war they want, it's
a war they'll get.
Holy shit!
I think Mitch McConnell just declared war on the rest
of the country.
[Imitating McConnell] I love my coal.
You come after my coal, I'll hit you with a shovel.
Burning rocks is my favorite thing to do!
It's wartime.
[Normal voice] That's a solid impression.
I don't want to argue about it.
I'm not arguing.
We're not arguing. We're not arguing.
So look.
McConnell's ads are a little reductive and inflammatory.
I'm sure that Alison Grimes, the Democrat, will offer a lot
more in the way of substance.
MAN: He's blocked the Senate over 400 times, then voted to
shut down the government, hurting Kentucky's economy.
Mitch McConnell can't light the house on fire, then claim
credit for putting it out.
OK, two things there.
One, that's not even special effects, and two, that used to
be Kentucky's Capitol building.
But the ad speaks to Alison Grimes' overall strategy: to
point out that she is not Mitch McConnell in any way,
shape, or form.
NEWSMAN: If you haven't already noticed, Alison
Lundergan Grimes is quick to remind you she is female.
Women get it done, men.
Women can make it happen.
I'm proud, as the Senator said, to be a homegrown
Kentucky girl, unlike Mitch McConnell.
She's not wrong.
Mitch McConnell is not a homegrown Kentucky girl.
Politifact rates that one as true.
So their main points are that she hates coal and he is
an old man.
And the worst thing is, things actually get even less
substantial when you turn to their online campaigns.
Back when Grimes entered the race, the McConnell campaign
welcomed her with a You Tube video.
*
Oh.
That is a viral video in the sense that herpes is
a viral disease.
Once it's in you, it is never going away.
And that was just the beginning
of the online trolling.
The Grimes campaign later created an electric valentine
so people could tell Mitch McConnell, "It's not me, it's
you," to which Team McConnell responded with a list titled,
"Valentine's Day: A love story between Alison Grimes
and President Obama," accenting every meaningless
point with tiny movie clip.
So who cares if the sentence "They're so obsessed with your
"2nd amendment rights that they want to control it all
for you" literally makes no sense?
You get to look at the seagulls from "Finding Nemo."
The people of Kentucky deserve everyone's sympathy--
or at least the ones with Internet access,
because here's an interesting fact: 28% of Kentuckians don't
have any online access, a commodity that the U.N. has
deemed a basic human right.
Even Alaska has that number down to 18%, and they had to
lay fiber optic cable through 1,300 miles of narwhal.
Which brings us to the larger point here: this race is all
but ignoring Kentucky's many substantial problems.
And perhaps I should explain this to the candidates
in terms their campaigns would approve of.
Here are 5 important facts about Kentucky that you might want
to find some solutions for.
Number one: Kentucky has the country's fifth-highest
percentage of adults below the poverty line.
Number two: Kentucky is the ninth most obese state
in the country.
It is a lot. It is a lot.
Oh, Kentucky also has the country's fifth highest
unemployment rate.
Yes.
Plus, more than one in 10 adults in Kentucky lack basic
literacy skills.
Yes, really.
And finally, number 5: Kentucky has the nation's
leading cancer death rate.
Yes, it is sad.
Something should be done.
And that's the point.
What's happening in Kentucky is just a microcosm of what is
happening everywhere.
As the amount of money gets greater, the ads nationwide
are somehow just getting worse and worse.
I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm, so when I get to
Washington, I'll know how to cut pork.
And for as long as I can remember, my father always had
this rifle real handy...
[Cocks rifle]
just to keep us safe.
[Explosion]
My forefather used a cannon like this to fight the British
in Savannah and win us a Constitution.
If you're the sexual predator and sociopath who murdered my
sister Lynette and you come to my front door to do harm to my
girls, I'm gonna use my Glock to blow your balls off.
You heard it here first.
The biggest trend in political ads this year: balls.
Look, there is no way things are going to get better until
we collectively hit rock bottom, and at this point,
the only things keeping us from doing that are the limits
on what you can show on network television...
which is where we might be able to come in, because this
isn't network television.
This is HBO.
[Cheering and applause]
This is the moral Wild West of sex and violence.
Have you ever seen the arterial explosion that is
"True Blood"?
[Woman screaming]
Coming back in June, by the way.
HBO is the network that for years brought you middle-aged
nudity on "Real Sex."
Happy Mother's Day!
Take that down. Take that down.
So if things have to get worse before they can get better, then
worse they shall get.
We've prepared attack ads for both McConnell and Grimes that
are very much in the spirit of the ads they're
already running.
So, Mitch McConnell, here is your new attack ad.
MAN: Kentucky: to us, it's home.
Kentuckians pride ourselves on our industries.
We're proud of our bourbon.
We're proud of our music.
And most of all, we're proud of our coal.
[Deep voice] But one politician hates coal and coal miners:
Alison Lundergan Grimes.
[Chain saw buzzing]
If she wins, there'll be nowhere to run.
[Man groaning]
There'll be nowhere to hid.
[Man groans]
She uses coal to kill and not power Kentucky's future!
[Chain saw buzzing]
[Men screaming]
Take a good look, Kentucky, because this is what
a vote for Alison Grimes will get you.
She'll kill everyone and everything.
Alison Grimes.
She will rip off Kentucky's head and shit down its neck.
MAN: I'm Mitch McConnell, and I approved this message.
That's yours.
Run it as much as you like!
Run that as much as you like, Mitch McConnell, but just know
that while you're doing it, Alison Grimes will be free to
run this one on you.
ANNOUNCER: For too long, politics and Washington have
been dominated by old, white,
wrinkled dicks, and no dick is
older, whiter, or wrinklier than Mitch McConnell's.
Think about it, Kentucky, and don't just think about it.
Look at it.
This dick has been telling you what to do for 30 years.
It's time for something new.
It's time for Alison Grimes.
She's young, energetic, and she'll work tirelessly
for Kentucky, unlike Mitch McConnell.
Alison Grimes is for raising increased funding
for education, cutting government waste, and putting
Kentuckians back to work.
Alison Grimes.
Mitch McConnell.
Alison Grimes.
Mitch McConnell.
WOMAN: I'm Alison Lundergan Grimes, and I'm honored to
approve this message.
ANNOUNCER: Mitch McConnell.
Do you feel that?
We're at rock bottom together.
We're all in this together.
Now, can everyone please try a little harder in the future?
Because there is nowhere to go from here but up.
And now, this.
ANNOUNCER: And now, "Last Week Tonight" asks, how is this
still a thing?
This week, "Dressing Up as Other Races."
How is this still a thing?
On Monday, MSNBC's "Way Too Early" celebrated Cinco de
Mayo in a somewhat questionable manner.
It is Cinco de Mayo, the 5th of May, celebrating Mexican
heritage and pride.
It's also an excuse to drink tequila on a Monday
morning at work.
ANNOUNCER: Yes, that's professional reporter
and white guy Louis Burgdorf in a sombrero, drinking from
a tequila bottle.
Because, you know, Mexico.
But to be fair, that's just one network with bad judgment.
This holiday is also known as
Cinco de Drinko!
ANNOUNCER: OK, two networks with bad judgment.
America has supposedly evolved past its use of racial
characters in movies, TV, et cetera.
What does, uh, "eta cetera, eta cetera" mean in Japanese?
ANNOUNCER: But even with racism now officially over...
We don't have racism in America anymore, so just
knock it off.
If anyone looks for racism...
ANNOUNCER: Some Americans just can't seem to let go of their
obsession with dressing up in offensive outfits.
NEWSWOMAN: Several high-school football coaches dressed as
members of the Jamaican bobsled team,
blackface and all.
ANNOUNCER: Even when it's a shitty, out-of-date reference
that no one had thought about for years.
Yes, whether you're an elected official, Ashton Kutcher,
making a bold choice in a popchips commercial...
I'm Raj.
I'm a Bollywood producer.
I'm looking for the most
delicious thing on the planet.
ANNOUNCER: Or a fraternity attempting to celebrate Martin
Luther King day in the worst way possible...
NEWSMAN: The frat held an MLK party last weekend where
students dressed up like gangsters and posed
for pictures holding watermelons.
ANNOUNCER: The desire to play demographic dress-up runs
surprisingly deep, even among well-known actresses.
NEWSMAN: Howling hiccup for Julianne Hough.
She dressed up in blackface for a Beverly Hills
Halloween bash.
She was one of the characters from the Netflix drama "Orange
is the New Black."
ANNOUNCER: Yes, Julianne Hough learned two lessons that
night: one, wearing blackface to a Halloween party is
a terrible idea.
And two, if she's about to leave the house looking like
an asshole, not one of her friends will tell her.
And incredibly, all this is happening at a time when there
are more costumes available in this country than
in the history of costumes.
You can dress up as a fireman, a nun, a slightly out of shape
Captain America, a sexy rocket scientist, a banana, or even
a banana with a penis, along with thousands more ridiculous
but non-racist costumes.
With all of these options, it begs the question: dressing up
as other races--how is this still a thing?
And finally tonight-- finally tonight, the earth.
You may know it as that blue thing Bruce Willis is always
trying to save...
or from its famous collaboration with wind
and fire...
or just simply as that place where George Clooney lives.
Anyway, the earth had some genuinely bad news this week.
NEWSWOMAN: A White House report that says global
warming threatens every part of the U.S.
This isn't something in the distant future.
Climate change is already affecting us now.
Now.
Smart move, Obama.
That is a key shift in how to talk about climate change,
because we've all proven that we cannot be trusted
with the future tense.
We've been repeatedly asked, "Don't you want to leave
a better earth for your grandchildren?"
And we've all collectively responded, "Nah, fuck 'em."
But incredibly, this latest damning scientific report may
still face an uphill climb with some of us.
There's that Gallup poll that came out last month which
found 1 in 4 Americans is skeptical of all the effects
of climate change and thinks this issue's been exaggerated.
Who gives a shit? That doesn't matter.
You don't need people's opinions on a fact.
You might as well have a poll asking, which number is
bigger, 15 or 5?
Or do owls exist?
Or are there hats?
The debate on climate change should not be whether or not
it exists, it's what we should do about it.
There is a mountain of research on this topic.
Global temperatures are rising.
Heat waves are becoming more common.
Sea surface temperatures are also rising.
Glaciers are melting.
And of course, no climate report is complete without
the obligatory photo of a polar bear balancing
on a piece of ice.
The only accurate way to report that 1 out of 4
Americans are skeptical of global warming is to say,
a poll finds that 1 out of 4 Americans are wrong
about something.
Because a survey of thousands of scientific papers that took
a position on climate change found that 97% endorsed
the position that humans are causing global warming.
And I think I know why people still think this issue is open
to debate: because on TV, it is.
And it's always one person for, one person against.
And it's usually the same person for.
Bill Nye and Marsha Blackburn,
welcome, both of you, to "Meet the Press."
DIFFERENT MAN: Bill Nye joins us now along
with climate-change skeptic Marc Morano.
DIFFERENT MAN: Joining me now to go head to head, Bill Nye,
science educator and CEO of the Planetary Society.
DIFFERENT MAN: In the crossfire: Bill Nye,
the Science Guy.
DIFFERENT MAN: Bill Nye, the Science Guy,
believes in manmade global warming.
That's right:
more often than not, it's Bill Nye, the Science Guy, versus
some dude.
And when you just look at the screen, it's 50/50, which is
inherently misleading.
If there has to be a debate about the reality of climate
change--and there doesn't-- then there is only one
mathematically fair way to do it.
ANNOUNCER: "Last Week Tonight" presents "A Statistically
Representative Climate Change Debate."
Good evening.
Joining me tonight, a climate change denier
and, naturally, Bill Nye, Science Guy.
[Cheering and applause]
So, Bill...Bill...
[Cheering and applause]
John.
Yup.
Humans are causing climate change, no question.
Wait, wait, wait.
Before we begin, in the interest of mathematical
balance, I'm going to bring out two people who agree
with you, climate skeptic,
and, Bill Nye, I'm also going
to bring out 96 other scientists.
It's a little unwieldy, but this is the only way we can
actually have
a representative discussion.
So please file in.
Again, this is going to make the debate difficult.
We shouldn't really be having it in the first place.
But, so, representationally,
climate skeptic, please make
a case against climate change.
MAN: Well, I just don't think the science is in yet,
it's settled.
JOHN: OK, and what is the overwhelming view
of the entire scientific community on that?
[All talking at once]
JOHN: OK. OK. Any response to that? Any response?
[Talking continues]
I can't hear you over the weight of scientific evidence.
This whole debate should not have happened.
I apologize to everyone at home.
My thanks to Bill Nye and the overwhelming
scientific consensus.
Thank you at home for watching.
Have a great week!
Thank you!
[Cheering and applause]
I can't hear you. I can't hear over...
The problem is, you understand,
there are way too many of these people.
It's rendering this debate pointless.
I can't hear you.
It's an overwhelming consensus.
The consensus is overwhelming.
So you understand...
Make your point.
[All talking at once]
*